Happy New Year!!!

Happy New Year to all my devoted readers!  I hope you welcomed the new year with a bang and that it’s been a great start so far.

Yes I admit I’ve been a bit slack but as the last few posts would’ve shown you, I was in a little bit of a dark place for the last few months of 2010.  But I’ve made it a point that this year will be different and so far it has been great and I’ve let go of the hurt that 2010 has caused and I moving on because a life of happiness is what I deserve.

I have a lot of stories for you all so make sure to keep an eye out 😉 a sexy new year to us all xoxo

The bigger picture

I was speaking to a dear friend the other day as I haven’t caught up with him for ages and I told him about my “love life” situation.  Instantly he recommended that I watch the movie ‘Sidewalks of New York’ as the movie was similiar to what I was going through.  I trusted his opinion and watched it straight away (that and I will jump at any opportunity that have the words ‘New York’ in it ).

 

The movie was about a bunch of different people whom were coupled at one stage and it showed the status of their relationships and how they all somehow intertwined.  It was meant to be a romantic comedy but I couldn’t help but feel bittersweet about some of the situations they were going through.  In every movie or tv show out there there seems to be a high occurance of cheating…not just that but glamourised cheating.  I’m not going to deny that I never cheated but I think to glamourise it and make it look better than it is, it’s just plain wrong.  Cheating brings more pain than pleasure and I can definitely vouch for that. 

 

One of the quotes that really stood out was when one of the characters says, “I’m really annoyed with all my friends at the moment.  I feel that we live in such a comfortable society that we over dramatize things to give us something to bitch and moan about.”  It really had an effect on me because that’s EXACTLY the way that I was feeling! Not towards all my friends of course, but there are a few of them out there and I guess I’m guilty myself of over analyzing my life situation and over dramatizing when there are worse things in the world that are happening at this very moment. 

 

For example, human trafficking in different parts of the world is horrendous.  Some girls are being kidnapped from their very own villages before they even reach their teenage years only to become forced prostitutes.  These brothels don’t require clients to wear protection so their prone to pregnancies (in which they are aborted eventually), sexual diseases and even aids.  When I think that I could’ve easily been born in that situation and that you too could have been born into that situation, it makes everything I’m going through in my life pale in comparison.

 

I guess what I’m trying to say is that fuck, not everything in our lives is going to be rainbows and butterflies.  There are going to be times when we want to bitch and moan and that’s OK!  But we can’t forget the fact that there are more serious problems in the world and that no one is out there to help rescue them all.  It breaks my heart because eventually these girls will be addicted to drugs and are trapped within that life forever.  

 

In this society that we live in, most likely if you’re reading this article that I’ve written you’re well off – because you have been able to get access to some sort of technology whether it be your phone or laptop to read this with.  

 

What I want is for our society to learn how to love again, to have compassion again….I know this is a far cry from all the smutty things I used to write about (and it’s ok I’m still going to write about all of that) because there’s a distinct difference to a woman or man who wants to be in the sex industry as opposed to a one who is forced into it. 

 

In a nutshell, whatever it is you’re going through today that’s getting you down you’ll get through it.  You’ll have your down days and you’ll have your fucking awesome days…it’s just how it is.  But don’t forget to be grateful for what you have and who you have in your life.  Don’t take the love that you have surrounding you for-granted and that you don’t have to fend for your lives like others in different parts of the world do each and everyday.  If you’re not in a position to help out right now it’s ok, just be aware of the atrocities that are going on and I can assure you eventually enough of us will make a difference x 

i apologize for being mia for a few weeks…i’ve been terribly busy but i’m back now! i’m not going to go back on the promise i made earlier this year in being a consistent blogger for you all!! i hope you’ve all been well and haven’t missed me too much x

moving on…

i’ve decided to make another blog in my attempt to get over my ex.  i’ve decided that it was time to move on because if i stayed in that train wreck, i’d eventually get hurt in the end coz inevitably one day, he’ll come to me and tell me he’s moved on or worse, has fucked someone else or more likely, other people.  i can’t afford to sit around and wait for that day to happen, nor do i deserve it.  a few nights ago i realized that it was hurting me and making me para ‘staying’ with him, but it hurt not being with him too.  i had to accept that it is what it is.  it’s shyt, we want different things, we’re not understanding each other anymore and it’s best if we just part ways and live our lives separately.  i don’t know what the future holds for us, but i do know for certain that i own the now, and i intend to live it in the best way possible.  i don’t want to be emo anymore nor do i want to be angry or have a low self-esteem from fucking unfair expectation’s put on by someone who i thought loved me. 

 

god bless this blog for here i can openly say what i want *ahhh* 

 

 

on another note, slowly creeping back are the fucking idiots who i used to be with *urgh* i think they think that cause i’m single, it means i’m going to give them a free fuck.  they couldn’t be further from the truth.  so i wrote this little blog post on my other blog to let them know how i felt:

 

I think there may be a slight misunderstanding here boys…. I’m single, NOT a free fuck. Although, there are brothel’s and escort’s you can go to & they will be more than happy to cater to your needs. So please stop contacting me if it’s ASS that you’re after.

note: this is in no way, shape or form directed at my ex/bf.

 

in the brilliant words of einstein, “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting the same results is insanity.”  i’ve been doing the same fucking thing over and over again for years and i’m thru with it.  i’m thru with fuckheads so from this moment on i’m starting from a clean slate; no more ex’s, no more fuck buddies, nothing. 

 

it’s a new beginning for me and i love the person that i’m becoming x 

epic breakup’s can be refreshing

I had class today and we had to form into groups for the semester to work on a blog we would create as a team.  I got into a group with two other girls and we all just hit it off!  Being that I was one of the few that had a blog, I decided to show them mine and explained what my blog was all about.  I was scrolling down and tried to quicken the pace as I scrolled past my excruciating break up post.  I knew they would’ve seen it so I decided to explain that it was my ‘soppy little break up story‘ but surprisingly enough they too had epic break up stories to tell!

 

Sometimes during break ups we tend to feel that we’re the only ones going through the sheer heartache of it all and that no one else out there could have it any worse.  But when you realize that other’s have gone through it too, it does make and help you feel a whole lot better.  I have to admit that knowing that other girls have gone through it, it gave me a refreshing feeling that I wasn’t different or maybe too hard to love because other girls were going through the same ordeal. 

 

There’s really nothing better than knowing that you’re not the only one going through it all.  Telling the other’s my experiences really broke the ice for all of us and also brought about other similarities that we had with each other; such as all of us being inked. 

 

We’re planning to share a bottle of wine and go through our epic break up stories together.  It’s so refreshing to know that I can now look back and laugh at it all and be able to tell others and show others that I’ve been able to go through it.  I’m also excited at who out of the three of us will have the most epic, heart break story of them all!  I will keep you all posted x 

little red riding hood

‘Undress yourself, my child,’ the werewolf said, ‘and come lie down next to me.’…And each time she asked where she should put all her other clothes, the bodice, the dress, the petticoat, and the long stockings, the wolf responded:

‘Throw them into the fire, my child, you won’t be needing them anymore’.

Innocent tale or the start to the loss of innocence?

It didn’t occur to me that this is how the famous fairytale could be interpreted until we discussed it in class recently.  Maybe I’m looking into it too much and maybe so are the academics, but they have unearthed an underlying message that we can’t afford to forget…

Academics argue that this is a tale that shows the consequences for girls who travel their own path in life carefree, against the norm but ineviably cross grave consequences in the end. 

What I get from the tale most of all is that there will be people in your life, not just men, who will pose as a sincere and genuine person, luring you in with their unquestionable trust and kindness.  When in fact they’re nothing but a nasty wolf in disguise.

the threesome lifestyle that broke my heart

As promised I would be here to have posts for you to read on a regular basis or at least sexy pics to feast your eyes on.  So I’m not going to back down on that promise although this post that you’re reading is one that I found very hard to write because not only is it close to the heart but it’s just recently happened…

 

About a week ago I had this inkling feeling that there was something wrong with me and my boyfriend and that we weren’t walking on the same path.  As we were resting in bed one night, I started crying because I could just feel that there was really something wrong although I have everything I’ve ever wanted.  My heart was right and painfully shattered as my boyfriend proved that my inkling feeling was right; he wanted me to agree and participate in a threesome lifestyle with him or we couldn’t be together. 

 

Even though he did tell me about this lifestyle from the beginning even before we started dating, throughout the relationship whenever I felt that he wanted it, I told him that it wasn’t for me and that if this is what he wanted, he can leave.  I always felt it was at the back of his mind because of comments he’d say but I just thought that guys were just like that.  OMG….just going back and feeling this pain is just too painful for me…

 

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.  I was so incredibly heartbroken…I started packing my shyt and broke down as I was doing so.  He also started breaking down and it wasn’t because I was leaving, it was because he knew deep down inside that regardless of how much he loved me, this lifestyle that he was obsessed with meant more to him than me.  You don’t understand how painful this was for me to accept and still is.  As I’m writing this, my heart still hurts and my stomach is still turning.

 

I went home that night at 4am in the morning, had about 3 hours sleep and cried for the whole entire day.  I couldn’t stop crying and couldn’t cry hard enough.  I didn’t know how to handle it.  I’ve always had good intuition and always trusted it with every feeling that I ever got.  I didn’t know whether his request was normal or whether it was unacceptable as I really couldn’t take doing it.  Mind you, as you can tell from my other posts, I’m quite an open person.  So I tried my best to keep an open mind about things and didn’t want to give up on the relationship that we had because it meant so much to me I loved him so so much.

 

He got me to listen to a recorded panel of people who were in polyamory type of relationships (for those of you who don’t know, polyamory is where a three people are in a committed relationship with one another) and also couples who randomly sought out girls and had threesomes with each other.  The thing that I really couldn’t stomach was that I couldn’t believe women out there actually participated in this act of finding other girls, seducing them to come home with them, fucking them then just getting rid of them.  Not only that but my boyfriend wasn’t satisfied with just a one-time thing, he really wanted it to be a regular thing.  He even said the line, “how long is a piece of string?” claiming that he doesn’t know how long this so called “phase” will go on for.

 

I decided that after 4 heart aching days of trying to come to a compromise (I even allowed him to have threesomes outside of our relationship, I just didn’t want to be involved) but by the end it became too hard for me.  I decided that it would be best to leave and put it all behind me.  I packed my shyt again, called one of my girls to pick me up while he was asleep then kissed him to wake him up.  I told him I was leaving for the final time and that he needs to do what he needs to do…and that hopefully sooner or later he’ll realise that he’s made a mistake and come back to me.

 

A friend of mine told me about someone that she knew that was in the same situation I was in years back.  Her and her boyfriend started out with threesomes then it escalated into affairs with also prostitutes on the side, because he was a sex addict.  So I did some in depth research about the topic and after reading many articles it may just seem like my ex-boyfriend might have a sex addiction.  I love him too much to just let him be and be vulnerable to AIDS.  We’ve been told that “gays” are the reason for AIDS but in actual fact, it’s people who participate in promiscuous acts like this that contract and heighten the AIDS epidemic.  It makes me sad that gays have had to carry this stigma for so many years.  And it makes me so fucking angry when guys just fuck around and you always hear about the good sides of it, you never hear about the repercussions of their indiscretions. 

 

I was able to approach him about it and even I admit that there may be a possible problem with me too because most times a sex addict has a partner that is a sex addict too, but their addiction isn’t to the full degree of theirs.  I want to help him even though my friends are angry about what he’s done and the obligation he put on me, but I guess I can’t help who I love.  But I’m only going to try so hard, at the end of the day I love myself more.  I’ve decided that if I have to suffer in this pain, I’m not going to do it in vain.  I want to be living proof that sometimes men just ask too much from their partner’s and that sometimes it’s just unfair.  I’ve been through a lot and I want to be here for anyone who’s in pain so that they don’t feel alone, regardless of whether they’re a girl or a guy (cause I know that girls fuck up at times too).  I take it one second at a time now, my emotions are too sensitive; one second I feel empowered that I’ve made the right decision, the next second I feel like breaking down because I can’t believe I wasn’t enough for him.

 

It was the first day of Uni and my heart broke more and more as I slowly arrived there.  To make things worse, my first class was in the Law building in which my beloved ex studies law.  I have to go to that class for the next 12 weeks whilst life laughs and shafts me even harder.  

 

Then after my last class, I walked out and he was right there!  I jumped out of my skin as I always had a feeling that we’d someday meet again…I didn’t think it would have been this soon though!  I told him this too over our 4 day ordeal in trying to break up and I know that deep inside he knows that I’m right.  But the more I think about everything and all the problems it poses, for example, I can’t be FUCKED being insecure anymore and I can’t be FUCKED worrying that one day he’ll want to fuck our daughter’s hot friend.  It just pains me too much and I just can’t do it to myself anymore.  After that realization, I’ve let go a lot more.  I see things for what they are, no more rationalizing, no more hoping.  I just see the situation for the fucked up mess that it is and I’m slowly making my way to healing once again.  I have to admit that it’s fucked up my belief in love and men but I guess only time will tell in this new chapter I’m about to embark on. 

 

We’ve remained friends despite the fact that he’s fucked me over, I can’t help but want to be there for him because he was there for me and helped me achieve so much during the time that we were together.  I don’t want to be judgmental or angry at life, I just want to let things be.  I’ll be seeing him tonight and I guess only then will I know if I’ve made the right choice in being friends or not.  God speed to me…wooosahhhh ~